Motherhood

I'm sleep deprived.  Yet, here I am posting on my blog rather than using this time when the baby is asleep to get some sleep too.

Today was rough.  And that's an understatement.  After two days of Cade having non-stop low grade fevers, teething, being clingy, not eating...the list goes on and on.  I finally had a breakdown today. Cade woke up after only 20 minutes of napping (and he usually naps at least an hour to two hours at a time) and it went all down hill from there.  After nearly 30 minutes of inconsolable crying, I was at my wits end.  My husband, a day sleeper, woke up to all the crying and came out of the bedroom and Cade immediately went to him and all was fine.  I broke down crying and I remember saying "I can't do this anymore!" as I handed him over.  At the time, I really thought I couldn't do this anymore.  I couldn't find a way to make my baby feel at peace.  I couldn't find a way to help stop the tears.  He didn't want me to comfort him.  It was an awful feeling.  And I was just done.  Done.

Kyle took him into the bedroom with him and from my curled up position on the couch with tears on my face, I could hear them laughing and giggling.  I started feeling remorse and felt like a bad mom for giving up, for getting so frustrated so easily.  It took awhile, but I got back into the swing of things.  And Kyle took it in stride.  He never once became angry that his sleep was interrupted.  He didn't look at me as if I was ridiculous for crying over something like this.  Instead, he took Cade and gave me time to regain my composure and when I was ready to join them again, he kissed my forehead as if to say "it's okay babe.  You're allowed to have bad moments." and all was forgotten.

Part of me still feels guilty, but I now understand, what happened today is normal, if not expected.  I am a "single mom" during the week.  I don't get the luxury of passing Cade off to his father when I need a breather and after several days, my pent up frustration, despair, and anger all came to the surface.  In the end, I thank God that I do have Kyle to save me when it finally becomes too much.  He truly is an amazing man.